Cancer – a word I frequently have heard, yet it has never had the personal ring it or the sting it can bring to the heart. This week has definitely revealed the tangible things that say, “Leni, it is now becoming a reality for you.” July 5th brought the phone call from the oncology department at the University of California San Francisco (UCSF) to register me as patient and to schedule the appointment. Then yesterday’s mail brought the letter with the heading ‘Oncology Department’. This is supposed to be happening to someone else; not myself the Chaplain, who has accompanied others on their journey of cancer and its wide variety of treatment.
Yes, God this is my truth today. I am moving a head very quickly within the California medical system. The appointment scheduled for next Friday July 13th is with one of the two physicians on the west coast who treat this diagnosis. The doctor comes very highly recommended and there is great consolation in that, yet the fears began to set in with this scheduled appointment. The fears center on how will this affect my eyes and my lifestyle. Will I loose sight eventually in both eyes? Will I loose my independence? Will I experience pain of other physical symptoms? All are unknowns as is the choice of treatment.
There is such irony for me to have melanoma in my eyes. For throughout my ministry as a Chaplain, it has been my eyes that have allowed me to form a spiritual assessment with the patients I have been privileged to walk with. My eyes have allowed me to see the love between a husband and wife or a parent and a child. They have allowed me to see and understand the physical or emotional pain of another, and they have allowed me to acknowledge when words have no meaning and the emotional gift of presence is what the individual was asking for. Yes, my eyes have been the connection with another human being and they are / have been my window to recognize another’s soul. Will my eyes now reveal my soul as I move into the realm of this disease? Will I allow others to see and share my fears?
I know I have been given tools that support me in the unknown and teach me to live life fully each day. They give me the courage to not stay with the questions rather to trust on a very deep level the faith I have been blessed with. I have been taken care of even with all the seriousness of this condition. I have an appointment with a specialist three weeks from the day of my first doctor’s visit in Montreal. No, I don’t like this aspect of my life. And yes it is happening to me, and I will not hide from it, nor will I deny it. I will move with all dimensions knowing that God is in charge, that I have a loving and very caring family who are present at every turn of events, and many friends are supporting me in whatever way they can. I have only to ask; something I have not done very often. Yes I have been blessed and with time I shall deal with the realities, the unknowns and the fears.
Writing this out gives some purpose to these realities and it brings comfort to my unsettledness that can and does take over my spirit and my body. Thank you God for your presence and for my sons and the encouragement they continue to give me to write.
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9 comments:
Leni - You are incredibly able to reflect on the providence of God and the apprehension that comes with the uncertain. Your eyes and insight have and continue to teach me alot. May you continue to be blessed with people who show God's love to you as you journey through these changes. Much love and many prayers.
Leni-You are truely one of the most wonderful people who I have had the pleasure to call friend. I have no doubt that your faith and belief in God will see you through this journey and it will progress with all the grace and love that you have shared with so many others. Thoughts and prayers go with you.
Leni ~ So many people at MGH are asking about you and they truly care. I was able to connect with Bonny today who said she would be in touch with you.
"Hold on to what is good
even if it's a handful of earth
Hold on to what you believe
even if its a tree standing by itself
Hold on to what you must do
even if it's a long way from here
Hold on to life
even if it's easier to let go
Hold on to my hand
even if it seems that I've gone away from you."
~A Pueblo Blessing
Continued prayers...AnnD.
Leni-I love you so very much. I want to be there for anything you might need or want. If you choose to let me. I miss you dearly and have been praying for you several times a day plus my support group is praying for you. I am experienced in going through disease! Please let me come see you as soon as you are ready for me. I've left you a call on your cell phone. Much Love Always, Bonny
Leni, I admire your courage and your invitation to share your journey. I feel each word and can trace your steps with you. My thoughts are with you and your family. I only wish there was more I could do for you.
Deanna
Aunt Leni, you have such a gift of words to be able to share these intimate details in such detail that I am able to truly feel as though I am looking at the mail with you. It is as you said, you are now blesseed with the unfortunate oppertunity to teach, from this new perspective as "patient." And as much as it pains me to see you in this place, I am yet again awed and amazed by how talented, gifted, genuine, and filled with grace and faith that you are even in this new place. You are amazing. Here in this most challenging time, you are still finding the stregth to give to the rest of us in the many ways that you can. Thank you for letting us walk this with you. Thank you for letting us be with you in whatever way we can. Thank you again for being you. I believe in you. And I love you as always.
Aunt Leni
Just wanted to let you know that we are thinking about you :)
Hopefully things this week is much better one than last.
luv
The Schneelochs
By your sharing, I travel with you, never alone on the journey. Your strength, acceptance, attitude and faith are all evident, and you move forward. I appreciate your allowing me to be with you. The circle of healing continues to grow. Prayers continue to HP for you
By your sharing, I travel with you, never alone on the journey. Your strength, acceptance, attitude and faith are all evident, and you move forward. I appreciate your allowing me to be with you. THe circle of healing continues to grow. Daily lift you up to HP
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