Today is Wednesday, July 18, and I find myself continuing on this journey of treatment for ocular melanoma. Tomorrow I will travel to San Francisco for my pre-op appointments, that will include a history and an MRI. It continues to amaze me how quickly all of this has occurred, for it is only 4 weeks ago tomorrow that my first and only symptom (loss of sight in my right eye) appeared. The treatment I have chosen is Ocular Proton Beam Radiation. This treatment is preceded by a surgical procedure call Tantalum Marker Ring to mark the exact location of the tumor. This surgery is scheduled for Monday, July 23. I will be staying in San Francisco with my son, Kevin,for the days between the pre-op and the actual surgery. Today, in dialogue with the clinic, I was informed that the surgery in 2-2.5 hours, somehow longer than I had expected. I will have a light general anesthesia…I did not realize that there was such a thing as “light” general anesthesia…more education for me.
During these days in San Francisco, my brother, Tom will visit for the day, and my sister-in-law, Ethel, will be in Sacramento sometime after the first of August to be with her daughter, Kristi. My sister, Jeanie will help me move back into my home next week. I am not supposed to be lifting or moving things….something that is very difficult for my independent nature. The young woman, Kirsten, who has been staying in my home, will be moving into her new place this coming weekend. Things have a way of working out, and I continue to see God’s love and grace as each day unfolds.
My sons, continue to extend their support and love as each new event unfolds. Family is there to think of and provide for the things that I have been unable to do. My niece, Kristi and her husband Brian, have worked with his father and my son, Brian to see that my car will be transported back here sometime in August. I am very grateful for their efforts and their expertise in these matters.
Spiritually and emotionally, I am doing well. This week, there have been very specific tasks to accomplish (chest x-ray, blood work, and being sure that the results arrived at the clinic in San Francisco in a timely manner), and that has helped keep me stay focused. My daughter-in-law, Cath, and my women friends have transported me where I have needed to go, and have listened to me as I process feelings and identify what needs to be accomplished next. It is so much easier to stay with the tasks that sit with the feelings. I do feel optimistic about this course of treatment, and after the time spent in the ophthalmology clinic at UCSF, I have the utmost respect for the work that they do, and the compassionate care they give their patients and families. Again, I feel very blessed to be in their care….especially in such an expedient manner.
Coming back to my feelings, as I have said before, I would prefer to be with someone else who is experiencing this, yet clearly I am the patient. I am sad sometimes, yet, the sadness comes and goes…it does not stay for long periods. There are times when I cry because I do not want to loose my sight nor my independence…yet the extent of those losses are not yet totally known. And yes, the fears of not knowing what lies ahead for me do come, but they also do not stay long. Last Friday’s testing was exhausting, and it did take the weekend to recover emotionally from the tests, the conversations with the physicians, and also the reality of the process. There is much to be said for the positive attitude that was present in the Ophthalmology Clinic…they have an expertise in the treatment of ocular melanoma, and they present the data in a compassionate, reassuring manner, yet realistic manner. This gave both my sons and myself hope and for this I am grateful.
Along with the unknowns, I feel very strongly that I am being supported and carried through this process. I find great comfort in God’s continuing grace that is visible for me in the smiles and loving words of my sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren. My siblings are doing many little things to support in the known and the unknown, and for that I am grateful. I know that the prayers that many of you are offering for me are the basis for this unwavering support I feel…at times it is almost as though I am being carried physically and spiritually….that the ocean is being parted that I may safely walk through.
Thank you for the prayers, the cards, and the telephone messages. I am most grateful for this support and on-going love that each of you are extending to me. May God bless each of you with peace and love.
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8 comments:
Good Saturday morning, Leni. Your reflections continue to be stunning, enlightening, and powerful for me. I am with you in spirit & love, especially these days as you prepare yourself for the pre-surgery on Monday. I am working at General on Monday, so will have frequent reminders of your spirit there. I am available for whatever you feel you might wish to call on me for. You know you have my prayers for comfort, peace, healing, and love. Janet
I continue to be amazed as your strength. God continues to have you in His care. I remain with you in prayer. WIth much love
Leni,dear, I remember how scared I was last July when I was going in for cataract surgery at Mercy and you said you would pray for me. That meant a lot. I don't think I have as much pull as you do, but I am definitely praying for you. I know you are in God's good hands. Love, Gayiel
Hi Leni -I read again your pre-surgery reflections and I am moved by your strength in this. I worked MGH Sunday PM and of course you know that I'm still up at 12:36am - later this day, you're having surgery. I know that you know this, but let me say it anyway: you are in my thoughts and prayers which includes asking that you be touched with God's healing energy. Love always, Ann D.
Leni,
I was reflecting this morning on how many of us are traveling together with you on your journey--your very own caravan through the desert-time of this experience. Gives new meaning to the term "Anam Caram," when soul friends can become Spirit friends rooted in the rich circle of spirituality that you have created with your life. I am touched to know that I too have walked within that circle especially in the past few days.
Would it be possible to ask you-or a family member-- to send me Kevin's address: e-mail, snail mail or phone, any way is fine. Love, peace, prayers and blessings this day I send to you this day.
Anne-RI
Leni,
We remembered you in prayer at my hospice team meeting this past week, continue to lift you up in our prayers, may the prayers we pray be felt by you and lift you up. Richard
Leni, I went to Mercy General last week looking for you. I did not know you retired! You and I spoke so much of it, but as things go, I missed the date some how! I found about your health challenges and have been sending love and support your way through thought and prayer. You were so inspirational and key in my healing after Tom's death. I wish I had known your challenges so I could have sent support realtime. I am thinking of you always, and am thankful I could read your blog.
Much love, Debbie
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