This posting is a photo easy of my photon treatment at UC Davis. To be sure you all get the idea, this is a nuclear research lab (not really a clinical setting).


After the foyer, you walk down this hall. On the right, behind the forklift is the nuclear facility. It is a 76" diameter steel magnet accelerator, surrounded by 10 feet thick cement walls on all sides.





Another view of the wall.





The you turn the corner and walk down this hall. The nuclear facility is through the wall on the left.




















Continue down this hall




Until you get to the Patients waiting room.






















Which really looks like this:





















On the other side of the waiting area, are two of the staff, at a stand of computers.


















To the left of the computers, is part of the research lab.

After waiting, you walk past the computers (they look old), down a smaller hallway.


















Down to an area, with more computers.


















Then, there is this smaller room, where they dialate my eyes.

I sit there for a minute, then turn the corner and sit in this chair, in front of the proton beam.

They made a special mask for me last week at UCSF. They lock the mask, into the chair, then lock my head in the mask. I bit down on a mouth piece, which is also attached to the chair. This ensures I can't move.

Then they raise the beam right up to my eye, and direct it directly at the tumor.

A large needle is inserted into my eye to ensure the beam is directed at the right spot.
Everyone then leaves the room, and watches and directs the treament from outside the cement walls on these four screens.

The screen on the upper left, shows me from above, so they can see that I do not move.

The screen on the upper right shows some settings on the beam and the angle of the beam, written with a sharpy on the screen.

The screen on the lower left shows me sitting behind the beam. Here the doctors are leaving the room

The screen on the lower right shows my eye, close up from a camera attached on the beam. They mark the iris with a sharpy on the screen, again to measure if there is any movement.

Another view of all four screens.

After about 2 minutes of the treatment, they take the whole assembly apart. At this point, I can leave out one of the back doors.

Moving into the Next Realm of Treatment

This evening I opened a letter from a friend who was describing her feelings and the process she was dealing with as she sought insight into the untimely death of a friend. It again brought to mind the opportunity we have to share our lives with one another and why this blog has become important to me. All of us are on a journey and we experience the unknown, pain and questions along the way. This method of sharing a major "detour" in my summer plans is again a way of making this experience more real to me and to assist me as I process my feelings. If I write about it, I cannot deny that it is occurring to me. Perhaps the good to be learned and the feeling of today are not always evident to me, but at least I spend time with where I am as I share with you.

The surgery to implant the Tantalum Ring Markers has come and gone, and my son, Michael, gave such a descriptive narrative of that procedure. I returned to his home in Sacramento the following day, and spent several days of recuperation with his active and full of life family before returning to my home on July 26. During those mornings, I would often awaken to one or two of my grandsons saying, "Good morning, ;Ama, your eye looks better today" or "Ama, I love you", as they went along with their morning routine....how grateful I am to be surrounded by family love and presence.

My sister, Jeanie and her husband, Ted, arrived on July 26th to assist me as I moved back into my home....what a beautiful gift to return to my environment. They helped me unpack, filled my freezer and refrigerator with food, served me meals, and let me rest and move at my own pace. Anesthesia has slowed me down greatly. Several days after their departure, I asked my brother, Tom, to come for a few days and help with my computer, and a few other household tasks. He assisted me with the computer, hung some hooks in different closets, fixed my patio fountain, changed some outside lights, and drove me on a few errands. These family members all live in San Diego, and they have made the trip to walk with me emotionally and physically. I have been truly well cared for during this process of letting my body heal. I have also learned the value to ask and to accept help from others...something that I have not integrated into my life style.

There have been many phone calls from family and friends this week, and again I express my gratitude for your loving concern for myself and my healing. I am convinced that it is your prayers and the positive thoughts from all of you that have brought great peace and ease to my recovery period. Throughout my ministry as a Chaplain, I have encouraged others to pray and I have been given the opportunity to pray with many people....never fully understanding the miracle nor the depth of compassion and grace that God freely gives us in all our human conditions...especially when we are faced with crisis. In this experience of ocular melanoma, I have been given the gift of trust in the unknown, and the knowledge on a deep level that I am daily being given what I need to live each day to its fullest. Now that I am a recipient of prayer, I have no words to adequately express what God can and does do for us as others lift us in prayer. It is just an awesome experience.

My moments of doubt and fear have truly been minimal. Yes, they do come. Things like when I am in the grocery store and cannot see the products on the shelf unless my nose is 6 inches away from the shelf or when I am walking and must carefully survey the sidewalk to be sure that I won't trip on something or when inner questions surface about my independence and my ability to safely drive again. I certainly did take my eyes for granted all these years. Fortunately, these questions do not stay and haunt me. The doctors have told me that I will have down time. Yet these times have been minimal in the grand scope of things.

My work has taught me that there are specific emotions that all of us feel when faced with a trauma or grief. I have asked myself if I am in denial or am grieving the loss of sight in my right eye. These feelings do present themselves, yet they never stay long. I have had thoughts that this radiation therapy may not be successful, but neither do these materialize into worry or feelings of being overwhelmed. Perhaps when all this is over, some of these feelings will present themselves and need to be processed. Until then, I will be grateful for the peace I have been given.

I now am spiritually and emotionally preparing myself for the Proton Beam Radiation therapy that will begin on Monday, August 6. Here again, are many unknowns. I have been fitted with a facemask and a mouth guard to prevent any movement during the next segment of my care. Tonight I cannot identify any specific feelings. I am neither numb nor anxious, although I know that I will be come Monday morning. I just know in my heart that I will move ahead with this treatment with the same spirit of faith that has embraced me prior to the surgery...again the direct result of the prayers and positive thoughts of others. Gratitude is the word that comes most freely...gratitude for God's love and direction, gratitude for each of you and your outreach to me, gratitude for the tools of life that enable me to live one day at a time and not worry too much about tomorrow, and recognizing that the one thing I do have control over is my attitude.

The miracles of these past 2 weeks:
1. Acceptance that there is an ultimate plan, and I have only to live today
2. Feeling deep gratitude for the love and prayers of family and friends with the understanding that the prayers of others are directly responsible for my feelings of peace and acceptance
3. Coming to an understanding that this cancer is isolated in my eye cavity and has not spread elsewhere
4. Believing and trusting (the majority of the time, although there are some moments of doubt) that the Proton Beam Radiation will stop the tumor growth and kill the cancer cells
5. Knowing that only 7 weeks have passed since my first symptom appeared until the completion of my treatment by one of the leading ophthalmology oncologist in the US (with my health care spanning from Canada to California)...what a modern day miracle in our health care system.

May God's peace and love be with each of you.