Thanksgiving Thoughts

November 14, 2007

Dear Family and Friends,

The Thanksgiving holidays have begun, and this year in particular there are so many things in life that I am grateful for. My faith, the love and outreach of my family, my health, and the many thoughts and prayers of friends are high on my list. I enter this season with gratitude to God, for the gift of sight. The biggest miracle is that about 75% (my estimate) of my sight has returned. Something that I was told might happen by one doctor, and with another doctor saying that I might be permanently blind in my right eye because the tumor and the area radiated were very close to the optic nerve. I now understand the frustration the hospitalized patients feel when they say, "But Dr. A. told me something different than Dr. B....why can't they agree before they talk with me?"

I return to UCSF in February for more testing and a visit with Dr. O"Brien to determine if the radiation was successful. Currently I am not anxious about that appointment. It will be what it will be. Perhaps the day before I will be very anxious, letting all my crazy questions and insecurities play havoc in my mind and ultimately wanting to know immediately how effective the healing has been.

In my heart I know that healing within my body, not just my eye, is occurring. These past few month have been times of rest for me, and I have made it a practice to not rush....something that has seemed to be an integrated part of my being. I have slept more that I ever have....with naps being part of my daily routine, enjoying leisurely evening baths (water therapy is very healing for me), and going out for coffee and lunch with friends. And perhaps most importantly, I have been able to establish a morning meditation ritual that has enabled me to appreciate and look forward to silence in different parts of my day. In the silent moments and in the rest, I have been able to reflect upon my life and at a different level, understand, accept, and love the woman I am today, and for that opportunity, I am very grateful.

Travel has also something I have been able to do during this time. In September I was able to go to Rhode Islant to visit Shannon and his family, and in October, I went to San Diego for a family wedding. I was there when the fires came, and that was a true devastation. I was amazed by the outpouring of goodness by the people of San Diego for the victims of those fires....generousity was everywhere. On November 15 (tomorrow) I depart for Rhode Island for the Thanksgiving holidays. While there in September, my granddaughter, Abby, auditioned for the role of Clara in the Nutcracker, and her question to me was "Grammi, if I get the part will you come back?" Of course, I could not say "no" to her. Again I am grateful that I have the flexibility to travel and not have to respond to a work schedule.

There has been so much goodness in the unstructuredness of these past few months. I consider this time to be my Sabbatical....a time of rest, spiritual renewal, and trusting that I will know when it is time to become more active again. Most of the time I am at peace with this gift of time. However in my humaness, there are moments when I become restless and discontent, thinking that I should be doing something productive. In my moments of clarity, I have come to realize that the productiveness lies in faithful waiting, and giving my spirit and my body quiet and unstructured time. A total new concept for me.

Thank you for your expressed concerns for my wellbeing, and the recent feedback I have received from some of you, informing me of how you have treasured this blog. I value you and will carry you in my heart this Thanksgiving season. May the blessings of gratitude and God's love give you strenth for your journey and peace in your heart.

Leni