Hi - it's Patrick, Leni's third son.
This evening I was drawn back to my mother's blog. I read most of the comments to our postings as my Mom's condition worsened, as we brought her back home and as she passed from this world into the next. I am still moved by the experience and by all your comments to us. I am in awe of all the support we received from her friends in Sacramento.
I think often of the intensity of the experience the day my mother passed. I also think of the peaceful state in which she remained over those closing days. It provides a certain comfort, as my brothers and I have returned to our homes and jobs. We are different, but the world around us is pretty much the same. I find myself to be very introspective, carving out part of my daily routine in order to grieve, for it is a process. She taught us that well - she learned it during her days as chaplain at San Diego Hospice. I also find myself cherishing the moments and the memories - for I never want them to disappear. I fear that over time these will fade, and that saddens me.
I'm aware that the process is a long one, and no one can determine its pace, its end or what will transpire during our collective grieving.
But, through all of this, when I seek respite from my day or when I look at the small mementos of her life that I brought home with me, I hear her voice telling us those things she always used to say: "Each of you are special and unique..."; "Have a great day..."; "Be open to whatever this day brings...". If I listen closely enough, I can sometimes hear a simple "Oh, hooray!" in classic Leni fashion.
The other day I stood outside, in the middle of heavy snowstorm (March in Montreal...don't ask) trying to hear her voice speak to me. The wind softened and then stopped. The snow flakes increased in size - a half an inch in diameter - and they fell straight down out of the sky. I looked up, asking to hear her voice, but she did not answer. Instead, in the stillness, I was able to see up, thousands of feet up, through millions of falling snowflakes. I saw sunlight through grey clouds and felt her spirit with me as snow melted on my face and eyelids. Her spirit smiled upon me, and I was not sad for her, or for me.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Newport
Hi,
We are working to finalize details for the celebration of Leni's life in Newport. The service will be early in the afternoon Saturday, April 5 at St. Joseph's Church, located on Broadway. The phone number is 401-847-0065.
We'll post more details shortly.
We are working to finalize details for the celebration of Leni's life in Newport. The service will be early in the afternoon Saturday, April 5 at St. Joseph's Church, located on Broadway. The phone number is 401-847-0065.
We'll post more details shortly.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Celebrating Life
Please join us in a mass celebrating our Mother's life on Monday, March 10th at 10am, at St. Francis of Assisi Parish, 1066 26th St in Sacramento, CA. There will be a reception at the church hall immediately following.
We will also be celebrating her life at a service in several weeks in Newport, Rhode Island. We'll post more details soon.
We are asking, that instead of flowers, donations can be made to the Mercy General Hospital Foundation or San Diego Hospice.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Reflection on Wednesday March 5, 2008
Cherished Daughter, Sister, Mother, Grandmother, and friend to all -
Yesterday Wednesday March 5, 2008 was a sunny California day. You were at home in your self created sanctuary. The flowers in bloom, the grandchildren playing outside your window, fresh warm air filled your home. Your Mother, Brothers, Sister, Sons, Daughters-in-law and Grandchildren near you, and your network of friends, coworkers, extended family and companions were with you in spirit whether nearby or far away. We held you, we prayed with you, we cried and we laughed with you. You and Kevin shared a "hooray!"
It was our shared honor to be at your side as you completed your physical time with us on this earth. We know you will be with us in spirit from this day forward. You have blessed us with many gifts and taught us many lessons. We are truly grateful for every minute we shared together.
You have such a gift for being there to provide support and guidance to the people around you. You provided this support to us even throughout your dying process. You made the difficult decisions for us and in your unique way, you continued to be the caregiver to us throughout. You are truly amazing.
We felt it appropriate to share this poem from Henry Van Dyke:
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Yesterday Wednesday March 5, 2008 was a sunny California day. You were at home in your self created sanctuary. The flowers in bloom, the grandchildren playing outside your window, fresh warm air filled your home. Your Mother, Brothers, Sister, Sons, Daughters-in-law and Grandchildren near you, and your network of friends, coworkers, extended family and companions were with you in spirit whether nearby or far away. We held you, we prayed with you, we cried and we laughed with you. You and Kevin shared a "hooray!"
It was our shared honor to be at your side as you completed your physical time with us on this earth. We know you will be with us in spirit from this day forward. You have blessed us with many gifts and taught us many lessons. We are truly grateful for every minute we shared together.
You have such a gift for being there to provide support and guidance to the people around you. You provided this support to us even throughout your dying process. You made the difficult decisions for us and in your unique way, you continued to be the caregiver to us throughout. You are truly amazing.
We felt it appropriate to share this poem from Henry Van Dyke:
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Next...
Tonight, at just after 6:00 pm, Leni left us. She was surounded by her sons, daughters, mother, sister, brothers, and grandchildren. We imagine it is just how she would have wanted it. Her journey in this life now complete she starts her next journey. We will continue to hear her voice, be touched by her inspiritation, and recall her laughter. She has touched so many people in too many ways to count. In order for us all to know these stories, please respond with your own stories of Leni for us all.
We are planning a service in Sacramento for early the week of 10 March and will post details in the next day or so.
Additionally, we are planning a memorial service in Newport, RI within the next four to six weeks.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers which have been so appreciated and have helped carry her through this process.
We are planning a service in Sacramento for early the week of 10 March and will post details in the next day or so.
Additionally, we are planning a memorial service in Newport, RI within the next four to six weeks.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers which have been so appreciated and have helped carry her through this process.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Quiet
A certain stillness has fallen over my mother's beautiful home tonight. The evening brought on much love, laughter, tears, sorrow and some healing. Now my brother Shannon and I maintain an evening vigil, Mom resting quietly, one foot in this world, one foot in the next.
The evening stillness is really quite amazing.
The evening stillness is really quite amazing.
Back Home
Its a warm beautiful day, and the sun is shining.
Leni returned to her beloved little California bungalow this afternoon around noon. The departure from the hospital was emotional - many of her former co-workers were the staff who attended to us over the past few days, and several came by today to share a few words of support and to share anecdotes of how she cared for them, nurtured them, supported them. We were honored to know that she touched so many people at Mercy General. And we were honored to know that as we were leaving, some of those co-workers were going to mass to pray for her.
As we wheeled Mom to the waiting ambulance, I leaned in close to her and said, "Mom, we're going home."
"Hurray...!" she replied with a feeble voice - she was so happy! Please realize that she is peaceful and content with her decsion to return home and enter hospice. We, too are ready to face what lies ahead for us. She told us yesterday that things are in God's hands - and we know things will be OK.
My brothers and I, our families and Mom's family have gathered at her house. It feels good to be together.
Leni returned to her beloved little California bungalow this afternoon around noon. The departure from the hospital was emotional - many of her former co-workers were the staff who attended to us over the past few days, and several came by today to share a few words of support and to share anecdotes of how she cared for them, nurtured them, supported them. We were honored to know that she touched so many people at Mercy General. And we were honored to know that as we were leaving, some of those co-workers were going to mass to pray for her.
As we wheeled Mom to the waiting ambulance, I leaned in close to her and said, "Mom, we're going home."
"Hurray...!" she replied with a feeble voice - she was so happy! Please realize that she is peaceful and content with her decsion to return home and enter hospice. We, too are ready to face what lies ahead for us. She told us yesterday that things are in God's hands - and we know things will be OK.
My brothers and I, our families and Mom's family have gathered at her house. It feels good to be together.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Changes
Family and friends,
The past two days have seen more challenges for Mom. Her energy level decreased further, and scans done in the hospital show growth in the tumor. The cancer continues to weaken her, and it has been difficult for her to find comfort.
Late this afternoon, after conferring with her doctor, my Mom asked to go home under hospice care. We are taking her home tomorrow. She found an enormous amount of peace in the decision, and we started a morphine drip to ease her discomfort.
Brian and Kevin have arrived - Shannon will get here tomorrow, too. Mom's family is arriving this evening or tomorrow morning. Grace, in her amazing foresight, had the house cleaned, and there is a peaceful air there, awaiting her return.
As the quiet of the evening has settled in, please know that my brothers and I are OK with the decision to enter hospice care. She, of all people, understands it too, and she is embracing the decision as it needs to be embraced. She is a remarkable woman, and we love her very much.
The past two days have seen more challenges for Mom. Her energy level decreased further, and scans done in the hospital show growth in the tumor. The cancer continues to weaken her, and it has been difficult for her to find comfort.
Late this afternoon, after conferring with her doctor, my Mom asked to go home under hospice care. We are taking her home tomorrow. She found an enormous amount of peace in the decision, and we started a morphine drip to ease her discomfort.
Brian and Kevin have arrived - Shannon will get here tomorrow, too. Mom's family is arriving this evening or tomorrow morning. Grace, in her amazing foresight, had the house cleaned, and there is a peaceful air there, awaiting her return.
As the quiet of the evening has settled in, please know that my brothers and I are OK with the decision to enter hospice care. She, of all people, understands it too, and she is embracing the decision as it needs to be embraced. She is a remarkable woman, and we love her very much.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Challenges
Hi - Patrick here.
It is Saturday evening, and its been a long 48 hours. My mom took a turn for the worse over the past two days, exhibiting symptoms, that while consistent with her chemotherapy and the disease within her, were very challenging for us to provide appropriate care for her in her home. She had a difficult time communicating to us, and she had difficulty walking unassisted. Over the past several days, she has fallen a few times, causing us great concern. Her falls did not hurt her, but worry us.
This is all such new ground for us, and we have really relied on the goodness and knowledge of her friends to understand such things as symptomatic care vs. treatment of the disease; and in-home RN care vs. private home care.
After two sleepless evenings that were very challening for us and for Leni, I took her to the hospital early this morning. I owe a great deal to her friend Colleen, who so graciously took a very early morning phone call and helped me assess the situation - thank you very much Colleen, in providing clarity in an otherwise stressful moment.
Mom has been diagnosed with a bladder infection and dehyrdation, as well as edema (swelling) in her legs. She'll be in the hospital for a minimum of 48 hours. She is getting great care - she is at the hospital that she worked at until her retirement, and many people know her and love her there. She feels very safe at Mercy General, and being there made her relax like I have not seen her in 48 hours.
We'll set up her home with better equipment, we are in the process of getting extra help, and we look forward to brining her back home!
You know, with all of this, there was a bright spot in the day yesterday when she sat upright and said, "I want to go out in that," pointing to the newly arrived wheel chair. I pushed her down the street for a brief walk. Her comments: "Wow, I feel like I'm running away - this is great..."
Enjoying the simple things once again provides her with joy.
It is Saturday evening, and its been a long 48 hours. My mom took a turn for the worse over the past two days, exhibiting symptoms, that while consistent with her chemotherapy and the disease within her, were very challenging for us to provide appropriate care for her in her home. She had a difficult time communicating to us, and she had difficulty walking unassisted. Over the past several days, she has fallen a few times, causing us great concern. Her falls did not hurt her, but worry us.
This is all such new ground for us, and we have really relied on the goodness and knowledge of her friends to understand such things as symptomatic care vs. treatment of the disease; and in-home RN care vs. private home care.
After two sleepless evenings that were very challening for us and for Leni, I took her to the hospital early this morning. I owe a great deal to her friend Colleen, who so graciously took a very early morning phone call and helped me assess the situation - thank you very much Colleen, in providing clarity in an otherwise stressful moment.
Mom has been diagnosed with a bladder infection and dehyrdation, as well as edema (swelling) in her legs. She'll be in the hospital for a minimum of 48 hours. She is getting great care - she is at the hospital that she worked at until her retirement, and many people know her and love her there. She feels very safe at Mercy General, and being there made her relax like I have not seen her in 48 hours.
We'll set up her home with better equipment, we are in the process of getting extra help, and we look forward to brining her back home!
You know, with all of this, there was a bright spot in the day yesterday when she sat upright and said, "I want to go out in that," pointing to the newly arrived wheel chair. I pushed her down the street for a brief walk. Her comments: "Wow, I feel like I'm running away - this is great..."
Enjoying the simple things once again provides her with joy.
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