Hi - it's Patrick, Leni's third son.
This evening I was drawn back to my mother's blog. I read most of the comments to our postings as my Mom's condition worsened, as we brought her back home and as she passed from this world into the next. I am still moved by the experience and by all your comments to us. I am in awe of all the support we received from her friends in Sacramento.
I think often of the intensity of the experience the day my mother passed. I also think of the peaceful state in which she remained over those closing days. It provides a certain comfort, as my brothers and I have returned to our homes and jobs. We are different, but the world around us is pretty much the same. I find myself to be very introspective, carving out part of my daily routine in order to grieve, for it is a process. She taught us that well - she learned it during her days as chaplain at San Diego Hospice. I also find myself cherishing the moments and the memories - for I never want them to disappear. I fear that over time these will fade, and that saddens me.
I'm aware that the process is a long one, and no one can determine its pace, its end or what will transpire during our collective grieving.
But, through all of this, when I seek respite from my day or when I look at the small mementos of her life that I brought home with me, I hear her voice telling us those things she always used to say: "Each of you are special and unique..."; "Have a great day..."; "Be open to whatever this day brings...". If I listen closely enough, I can sometimes hear a simple "Oh, hooray!" in classic Leni fashion.
The other day I stood outside, in the middle of heavy snowstorm (March in Montreal...don't ask) trying to hear her voice speak to me. The wind softened and then stopped. The snow flakes increased in size - a half an inch in diameter - and they fell straight down out of the sky. I looked up, asking to hear her voice, but she did not answer. Instead, in the stillness, I was able to see up, thousands of feet up, through millions of falling snowflakes. I saw sunlight through grey clouds and felt her spirit with me as snow melted on my face and eyelids. Her spirit smiled upon me, and I was not sad for her, or for me.
6 comments:
Thank you for this Patrick. You have such a gift for writing. I could really see the snowflakes falling and feel the peace in that moment. It truly filled my heart to open this page and see something there. Do you think we could open an entry for stories of Leni? Maybe just a nice place where people could post a moment or a thought they shared with her. It would be so nice just to see her wisdom and laughter continue to be shared.
I know that "hooray" your talking about. It brought tears to my eyes and a big smile to my face. I love you and hope all of Leni's sons are finding little miracles during each day. I truly believe that she will still find ways to speak to you in these little ways... like snowflakes falling in March.
I went to a retreat this past weekend and thought of Leni during some rather irreverent remarks shared among a few of the women. Her humor was a salve when the daily grind was too rough and uncomfortable.
I was drawn to the bookmark on my computer to the blog and found Patrick's beautiful entry. I hope this blogs stays active for a while as the daily reminders of Leni come in and out of my life.
Leni Ann & Refeflections on Newport
As we spoke Patrick about continuing the blog entreies, I will enter mine. The Newport experience was profound for me in many ways and I think the best way I can express it is to leave this message. As we talked I think the blog should continue, maybe under the heading of " refelctions," or "mediatations" for those who want to express thoughts and feelings about your mother and her passing. After coming to Newport and spending some time with each of you, my entry on
" Meditations " is as follows:
This is a call to action, wide-eyed, open, and without hestitation, to live and to walk in love and mercy. I believe the fruit of this offering and the result, is and will continue to be, courage. The promise Out Lord has made to our faith is renewed courage; to be all that we are, all that we can be with His love and devine guidance.And maybe that is the human grace we can obtain from mortal death.... The courage to examine and re-examine who we are in relation to Him.
Leni has been a near constant presence in my thoughts lately, and I wanted to share some of that here. I have a nice 10 minute ride to and from work everyday on my bike. I follow a bike path that takes me along a small canal that is bordered by backyards and trees.
Spring has brought with it the lush greenery and amazing perfume of blossoming flowers, and I spend those minutes inhaling the fresh air, thinking about what it means to live and "Being open to whatever this day brings...". The bike path is full of the sounds of birds singing, the occasional duck quack, but mostly I hear the gentle breeze as I ride through the air. Some mornings it’s cold and brisk, and I can feel my face starting to numb, but lately it has been warmer and simply refreshing.
And I think about my time with Leni, how refreshing and comforting it always has been. That resounding sense of warmth and softness that anyone who has met her instantly knows.
But the path is not perfect. It is full of potholes that can be hard to see, and it takes significant effort to be able to enjoy the ride as well as be on pothole patrol. Some I miss, others I hit head on. And I think about how Leni taught this over and over. Life is beautiful, but it can also be difficult. I always loved how she would acknowledge the things that so many people seem to not want to admit; the less than pleasant aspects of life. She would embrace the process of pain and healing, and incorporate it into the full spectrum of life, for that is truly what living is.
I still struggle with the fact that she has left this place, but I try hard to acknowledge how this is simply part of living. I am so grateful for the times I got to spend with her here, and I enjoy thinking of her when the warm sun shines on me and the air is full of singing birds and blooming flowers.
That’s all for now, just wanted to share those thoughts. I think it’s great to see this blog being updated by all of us. I like how she set it up and started it, and now it’s something we can all use during this time. Fitting I think.
-Andy
I hope that this blog continues for a very long time. I met Leni in the morgue. She was praying for someone that had passed as I stood watching. As we left the morgue I asked Leni; how do we know what is God's will? That was the beginning of the the most wonderful of friendship.
Dear Shannon,
You are awesome. Thank you so much for allowing me to sneak in a few moments with Leni to see her. I remember she kept saying that she loved you very much Shannon. I also got to hear from her that she loved me and told me that it was going to be okay and to go do good and be at peace.(as she had told me many times before.)
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